"Bush, Cheney, Halliburton, and Karl Rove Also to Blame" screams Howard Dean...

 

Yucca Flats, Nevada. The highly-unusual blizzard (caused by climate change) that hit Las Vegas two weeks ago apparently has caused a number of nuclear storage units at Yucca Flats to leak into the underground water table, putting a severely-endangered species of  Formicidae at risk. In addition, due to the enormous levels of radiation, these creatures are growing to unusual size and are breeding like ants.

 

Unfortunately, these insects are now migrating into urban areas, creating risks to both themselves and their human counterparts. To compound matters, these six-legged lifeforms are reportedly consuming large supplies of sucrose, lactose, and fructose meant exclusively for human consumption, making sugar scarce to all but the most affluent in society.

 

Strategic Reserve Stockpiles are also running low, according to unnamed Agriculture specialists. As a consequence of the shortages, candy riots have hit New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles in recent days.

 

One of the more courageous RAG Reporters was on the scene at Yucca Flats. She interviewed some of the locals:

 

"Those critters are bigger than houses," claimed an old-timer named Cletus Young, who lives on the outskirts of Yucca Flats. "Once the sugar runs out, those ants will be eating us."

 

His friend, a former CIA agent, scoffed at his friend's concerns.

 

"Nothing a can of Raid can't solve," he said.

 

Meanwhile, after an emergency meeting of the United Nations Security Council, a press statement was issued declaring that '...Human overreaction in combating Formicidae immigration has now put the Earth (gaia) at risk, due to indiscriminate use of DDT and other chemical elements that are harmful to the environment. Because of this, the Earth  is suffocating in flatulent mists and will soon become uninhabitable...'

 

"Gaia will become a gas world," one expert confided.

 

Here's the latest coming over the wires:

(The clips above are from the movie Them).